Carpe Diem
by Idonquixote
Summary: Your fall, your ruin, your complete destruction came first; yes, I betrayed my Tallest for you. I put them second to you.


**Warning: Mentions of gore, character death, some minor graphic imagery towards the end**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim**

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I hate you. I hate you so much. But your pathetic brain couldn't possibly understand this pain. It's nothing that gives me pleasure, I'll let you know that much. It hurts most of the time, as if my spine is on fire. It's in those moments that I lose control, that all the little pieces of myself I'd worked so hard to put together come part. All because of you. And now my life is one giant moment of fire, trapped by your stupid design.

Even from out here in this scrapped station, I can't let go. When I look outside, at the stars, at the little moon orbiting that putrid ball of green and blue, I see _you_ \- I hear _you_ \- when I should have been rid of you long ago. And I wonder, what did I really want from you in the end?

It was so simple. Hate me back. _Just hate me back_.

But you failed to even do that. You were always a failure- you said you'd stop me once. I called it dumb luck, which is exactly what it was. Luck runs out eventually- I'd never been happier when you screamed. By all means, you should have hated me back, despised me the way I loathed you. Your very being disgusted me.

Being. That word gnaws at me, even as I sit and ponder my hands, the same size as yours. And I blame you for making me feel so small, so very small. Being. Everything you are, everything you were I took and squeezed. No, I tore through you like a rag. You didn't deserve any dignity.

I memorized your scent, odour- you smelled clean, always, disgustingly sterile and clean unlike everything else on that wretched planet- that look in your eyes- manic, arrogant, anxious, almost a mirror of my own. Even your ridiculous voice continues to irritate me, like a horrid record that refuses to shut up.

Sometimes I forget what my life was before you. Before I was ever tainted with your pitiful existence, I had other hopes and goals, a different sort of path to power. The Tallest would praise me in those dreams- everyone would, including the nameless masses- and thanks to you, it was shattered. All I could see was you. Praise came second in the end. Your fall, your ruin, your complete destruction came first; yes, I betrayed my Tallest for you. I put them second to you.

I lived for you. I fought to fight you. You were everything to me.

And now you leave me with nothing. I threw everything I had at you, all I was, at you. You never stood a chance. But I suppose what hurts the most is that I expected something from you. I expected something beyond resentment, shock, horror, even tears- I craved to see the same burning hatred in your eyes.

You hated me once, remember? Once your glare matched mine. Once you yearned for my blood as much as I yearned for yours. _Once_.

You have no idea how much I suffered over you, replaying my ruin at your hands so many times over. It crushed me, like a claw over my organs, when space and time meant nothing more than a reminder that I needed to breathe. I needed to breathe so I could outlive you. Then the pain would be worth it, for that one moment. But you wouldn't know. How could your inferior mind know?

You lived on. You breathed. I survived. _You lived_. And that was unforgivable.

Remember when I crushed the spectacles under my feet, the glasses cracking the way you cracked me?

There was no burning hatred. You never felt an ounce for me what I felt for you. Even when I thrust the broken lenses at your feet. You screamed, I remember, yelled and yelled and accused me of all sorts of pitiful things. I'd beat you, then. When the explosions went off and when that deranged companion of yours fell apart like loose clockwork, you stopped. You simply stopped.

That human meant something to you- your dearest enemy, no? The only one you ever had besides that useless scrap of metal and this hellhole of a planet.

You can't see me anymore. Only empty sockets blink. I'm not even sure if you can hear me, much less understand. I ruined you the way you ruined me- I severed the wires holding you together, covered my hands in your blood, humiliated you in ways that tire me too much to describe. I left your vocals in tact just to hear you spite me, to hear the pain in your voice. But nothing came out. You brought it upon yourself- you refused to give me what I wanted, as always- I sewed it shut. A neat line of stitches crisscrossed over your lips. I laughed when I did it.

You're nothing now.

And still you took everything from me.

Because without you, I am nothing. I can never go back to the way I was. I crossed that line long ago, when I put you above my Tallest. My honor means nothing now. I sacrificed it to secure your shame.

But that wasn't enough. It's just you, me, and her up here. I turned you into what you were meant to be: a slave. You scrub at these eternally dusty floors, you walk on all fours- you never so much as look up unless I address you. You wouldn't hate me this much, I knew, I knew it the moment you dropped at my feet. That look of shock was not what I wanted.

I knew you couldn't comprehend defeat. But I knew even you were not so stupid as to not comprehend loss. And somewhere deep inside, you knew who was to blame- you. You could barely comprehend me.

Imagine how I must have felt. To know that I wasted so much time on you and to be hit with the realization that you could never do the same for me. How unjust! How unfair! But I was not idle. I had no time to waste. I needed your pain to live on or I would fall apart again. So I cut you. It was simple when you were disoriented- I cut into you. I battered you. I gave you no chance to retaliate. I left you a mess too broken to put back together.

And I stitched you back, every wire and vein. And in that defective programming of yours, I made you love me- I reached in and betrayed the Tallest once more. I reversed pieces of clockwork, removed screws, added nodes, twisted the very codes that bore your name, until mine was all the program retained. Every bit of devotion you'd ever felt was mine. _You were mine now_. And I would continue to hate you.

That must be the greatest pain. To love someone so unconditionally, only for them to hate the air you breathe. You still try to crawl onto my lap now. You caress my legs, you take great pains to kiss my feet, and you always do nothing when I beat you, when I hurt you, when I almost killed you so many times. It's times like those I regret my tampering- if I had at least left some part of you in tact, maybe you could learn to hate me. Maybe _I_ would become the bane of _your_ existence.

But you always had the extraordinary ability to agitate me.

Under all my abuse, you broke, but there was no delight when it was no longer you. This is a stranger I kick around all day, one whose own memories seem separate from the body. A submissive stranger living by my grace alone- because you broke me already. I used to be sane before you came along. I want to say I won in the end, but I never wanted to win. I only wanted...

What did I want? It maddens me.

I never wanted to win because it was never a game to me, do you understand? There, on the floor, you missed a spot. Nod for me. Good. Yes, it was never a game. I had no goal of "victory" in my mind when I came after you. I simply wanted-

You should be the miserable one, not me. Not me! Our roles should have been reversed, should always have been reversed. I wanted you to feel the way I do now, desolate, lost, _gone_.

But perhaps that was asking too much. You were never worth this much attention. But that is something I will never regain. Mimi requires my attention now. You stay here, Zim. I'll be back very soon and we'll continue this conversation. We'll continue it again, and again, and again. And-

Again.

 _It's not about revenge._

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 **Thanks for reading! And please review to let me know what you thought- hopefully it was entertaining, haha.**

 **So basically the whole drabble is about Tak yelling at Zim. I've developed a newfound appreciation for Tak- she's competent and cool, but also really unhinged at the same time. Plus, she canonly spent 50 years obsessing over hate for him; I think it's different from Dib and Zim's rivalry because it doesn't qualify as a rivalry. Tak was just a detour in Zim's life, but he somehow became the center of hers and that's really messed up. It's not even a healthy enemy relationship lol, which is why I now love it.**


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